This is the second mix in my ‘Broken Bolt’ series, a collection of mixes that represents the journey into my own state of self-healing and mental health. Having recently confronted and faced myself in the mirror, I decided once and for all to embrace all my traumas and exorcise the horrific demons I’ve lived with for so long.
I believe, to an extent, we all live in ignorance and do what we can to avoid everything we don’t like about ourselves. So many endure a whole lifetime without ever trying to discover who they truly are. The leap I took into my own pit of darkness has been heart-wrenching, it’s consumed my every waking thought, breath and heartbeat. I started to ask myself questions I felt I had no answers to, I was starting to connect dots I never even knew existed and once I discovered my reasons, everything got so dark I believed there was literally no way out. I began to understand that your past and traumatic events you experience, especially at a young age, can have such a profound effect on your mental health, especially if left untreated.
I ripped off my mask, one I believe we all wear in life in some shape or form. It disguises a pain we usually refuse to acknowledge and for some, that denial creates an agonising monster we harbor and learn to live with as best we can. Sadly, some of us are forced to carry more suffering than others, we have more traumas to recall, we have terrible secrets to keep and do more and more to run away from ourselves and this becomes so dangerously self-destructive. Nearly my entire life I always knew the way I coped was toxic, I always knew it was wrong but felt utterly powerless and it became hurtful, not only to me but to those I love and care for too.
These kinds of revelations can become so extraordinarily powerful and overwhelming that people would rather choose to end their own lives than bare another day and carry on. For me, it wasn’t good enough to know I have done wrong, I had to know why. Then once I knew, it then became a battle of mind and heart, I needed to take ownership of the person I am and become the person I’ve always wanted to be.
Jenai Is Dead, Long Live Jenai is the soundtrack to that transition, the confrontation with the death of my own ego. No longer could I, or would I choose to allow my demons to control me, I refused to carry on living in a sate of crippling fear. I finally laid myself to bare, discovering the roots of all my pain and saw everything that I am, all the good and all the bad.
The old Jenai had to die in order for the new Jenai to live and this artwork is the first time in ten years I’ve featured myself on the cover. It represents the real and unfiltered me, the man who finally came to the realisation that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. That I had to stop saving others and finally learn how to save myself. The beaming lights that surround me reveal the start of that journey, however small that first step is. The tracks I chose reflect my somber energy, pushing hard to drag myself through the darkness, instead of avoiding it all.
If you’re in need of help, don’t be ashamed like so many of us are. Just know that you’re not alone and I promise you that nearly everyone you know is suffering or feels exactly like you do you now, even those who look like they have it all made and figured out. We’re all afraid, controlled by our egos and blinded by our misplaced pride. No matter your background, gender, creed or age, reach out to those around you or visit a place like CALM to find out more about what it means to get help.
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