It’s almost the end of 2017, it’s hard for me to accept or even believe this is the first mix I’ve created in almost four years. I mean, four years? I knew I had neglected the site for a very long time, I had an inbox of hundreds of emails asking about broken links to downloads, updates to the website or the chance of any new mixes etc. I tried my best to message some of you back but honestly, I was just so far from Ego Thieves that I just couldn’t imagine going back to revisit the site and the brand I created that started so many amazing things for me.
I wish my entry back into mixing was for a good, happy or joyful reason, it’s not. This is the first mix in a series I’m calling ‘Broken Bolt’, one that represents my current journey into self-healing and mental illness.
If you have read through the site and discovered some of my reasons for creating Ego Thieves, you will know I’ve lived with some horrific demons for a very long time, and with all the terrible coping mechanisms I had and the grave mistakes I’ve made over the years, everything had all finally caught up to me and my universe collapsed. That cliched old saying of not being able to outrun yourself or your past is very, very true.
I have had some really dark times in my life, but this new set of storm clouds are on a whole new level I simply never know could exist. Having to confront all the horrible things about yourself, I mean to really sit down, utterly alone for hundreds of hours on end, picking away at the seams you believe hold you together, it’s terrifying. It’s why most of us never leave our phones alone for more than a few minutes at a time, that impending fear of having to be alone with just your thoughts…
Because I now refuse to rely on the terrible coping mechanisms I created for myself for so many years, I needed a healthy focus, not a distraction, I then realised I always had one, music. I had to get back to DJ’ing and being creative in order to save myself. Sadly I had left Ego Thieves behind me for so many years, but I soon realised that to me, DJ’ing and being creative was more than just putting out some mixes, it is literally a form of self-therapy.
With a clouded mind and shattered soul, I got straight to work. This mix really does represent my remorse, my despair, and my shame. Dj’ing has always allowed me to speak through other peoples artistry. This mix helped me organise my thoughts and feelings and present them in a way that made sense to me, just like so many other mixes I’ve created before.
The title ‘See My Mirror’ literally represents exactly that. I was forced to confront myself, stand in front of the mirror and ask, “who the fuck am I?”. It’s one of the hardest things I think any of us will ever have to do in life, I mean most never will and would rather stay distracted with drink, drugs, sex, gambling, social media, work, violence or whatever your chosen vice may be.
I knew my journey of self-discovery started here, standing in front of my own reflection and for the first time in my life, I revealed my demons and allowed myself to embrace the past and find out what mental illness really means to me.
The artwork represents the reflection of my mirror while away roaming landscapes around the world such as the epic mountains of Iceland. Fighting your own demons is something you can only do alone, sadly no one can fight them for you, they can just stand brave and fight alongside you at best. I wanted to face my present, my future, and more importantly, my past. I had to finally face the broken child deep down inside me, watching him stand on the horizon, forever casting a cloud over my life but always wanting me to confront his pain so I no longer have to live in his shadow.
See My Mirror, there is a secret in the name.
If you’re in need of help, don’t be ashamed like so many of us are. Just know that you’re not alone and I promise you that nearly everyone you know is suffering or feels exactly like you do you now, even those who look like they have it all made and figured out. We’re all afraid, controlled by our egos and blinded by our misplaced pride. No matter your background, gender, creed or age, reach out to those around you or visit a place like CALM to find out more about what it means to get help.
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