It’s been four years, three months and two days since I last created a Dubfluence mix and as spooky as the coincidence is, those numbers all add up to the number 9. It feels like that number is haunting me at the moment…
Dubfluence is one of the most significant series I’ve created, for me, each mix represents a time of angst in my life and I don’t feel it’s an accident that most of them were created during the winter months.
I have a strange affair with winter nights, not because they’re long, dark and ominous but simply because they’re deathly silent and it’s those moments of silence that becomes suffocating to us all trying to escape ourselves. Even in London, one of the busiest cities on the planet, winters creates a mute layer to everything. From the bustling hoards of people that call this place home to mother nature herself, slowing down the process of time.
We all move a bit quieter, speak a bit less, interact as little as possible and time becomes arrogantly apparent to us all. It’s like we can feel every second tick, every memory creep past us and forces us all to simply reflect, even those of us who try not to.
It’s on bleak winter nights like these I would reach for my headphones, disengage my mind from the silent suffering I would suppress on a daily basis and reconnect with my own soul. I would spend thousands of hours filtering through hundreds and hundreds of tracks, desperately trying to carve out a selection of music that could maybe, just maybe, represent my innermost thoughts and feelings. People around me were no strangers to seeing me literally connect with my laptop, my glowing hot white reflection and burning ears from the sheer amount of music I would absorb like some kind of abandoned starving cat who has just been given it’s first meal in a month.
It’s my obsession.
One of the most frequent questions I’m always asked is, where did you find that song? You know, that track that only has 373 plays on Soundcloud or a track created by that 13 year old kid in his bedroom deep in Hackney and my answer is always the same, I have no idea and it really is true, I don’t.
To me, music really is the window into the soul and it engages my soul like nothing else in this world. Every time I open my laptop with the sole purpose of music, my soul gleams at the newfound realisation that I’m able to connect with the entire planet at the click of a button.
I can only compare that moment with getting lost in an incredible book. You know, those books where the world is literally yours, where your mind wonders and creates at it’s own pace and will. And just like reading a book, your vision of what Lyra looks like will be different to mine, but how and why our minds differ is the reason we’re separate from all creatures great and small.
You don’t know why, you don’t know how, but all you know is the words on that page open your mind and takes you to places you’ve never experienced before. I guess that’s how I discover music? There are times I would find songs on my own desktop and it’s like being handed a free holiday to your dream destination without ever knowing who booked your ticket and why.
I disengage with the world on such a level simply because I had too, well, I still have to, but this always comes at a great cost. Music may help take my mind to a place of instantaneous love and distraction but because I’m always aware of that, it means the moment I slowly peel the headphones away from my ears, all my suffering, worries and anxiety would flood back into me like a collapsed dam.
I would drown in the weight of my fears, it would consume my all and I wasn’t ready to leave that place of safety yet and that’s when my two worlds would collide. It’s when illusion would take control, when the suffering was so unbearable, so fucking powerful, I had to at times simply live in the imaginary just to make it through another day. It’s a state of mind I wouldn’t wish on anyone, ever, yet so many of us seem to live there and sadly most of us have no idea that we do.
I never believed I would be writing like this, that I would be allowing myself to reveal, even a small aperture into the innermost workings of my mind and I could’t have dreamt of the kind of response I’ve received.
So many people, from all over the world who have been following my journey have reached out. I’ve had a huge amount of emails (it seems so many of you know my absence on Social Media use) with everything from a quick thank you for coming back to three thousand word essays from those sharing their souls with me. Even the most simple of moments have a huge impact on me, one such example is here. It’s moments like that, when even half a line of text makes me realise I’m truly not alone.
It’s all been profoundly humbling and believe me every single blogger, creative or professional great and small who writes online, all share that moment before hitting publish “Is anyone even going to care what the fuck I’ve go to say? Who the hell is going to read this shit?” but it seems you do care and you do read…it is truly, truly incredible.
I’ve been asked to write longer posts, share more and create more but that’s something I am struggling with at this time in my life, but here we are and here I am. Because of the response I’ve had, I decided to revisit a chapter I believed I had closed many years ago, Dubfluence.
I was convinced 8 was my last iteration of the series but I was wrong.
I’m at a loss to find the words right now, well, honestly I’m afraid to reveal what the number 9 really means to me at this moment in time but it’s hugely significant and combining all the elements together, the response I had and even the cold winter nights pulling me down, I put this mix together and sincerely hope you all enjoy it.
Love to all the producers, artists and engineers who share their talents and crafts with me and the rest of the world. Please don’t forget to support in anyway which way you can to give back to those who inspire us all.
STREAM THIS MIX